"We are set up to be emotionally dysfunctional
by our role models, both parental and societal. We are taught to
repress and distort our own emotional process. We are trained to
be emotionally dishonest when we are children.
This emotional repression and dishonesty causes
society to be emotionally dysfunctional. Additionally, urban based
civilization has completely disregarded natural laws and natural cycles
such as the human developmental process. There is no integration
into our culture of the natural human developmental process.
As just one blatant example of this, consider
how most so called primitive or aboriginal societies react to the onset
of puberty. When a girl starts menstruating, ceremonies are held
to celebrate her womanhood - to honor her coming into her power, to honor
her miraculous gift of being able to conceive. Boys go through training
and initiation rites to help them make the transition from boyhood to manhood.
Look at what we have in our society: junior high school - a bunch of scared,
insecure kids who torture each other out of their confusion and fear, and
join gangs to try to find an identity.
This lack of integration of the natural human
growth process causes trauma. At each stage of the developmental
process we were traumatized because of the emotionally repressive, Spiritually
hostile environment into which we were born. We went into the next
stage incomplete and then were retraumatized, were wounded again."
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded
Souls by Robert Burney
For all of the so called progress of our modern
societies, we still are far behind most aboriginal cultures in terms of
respect for individual rights and dignity in some kind of balance with
the good of the whole. (I am speaking here of tribal aboriginal societies
- not urbanized ones.) Nowhere is this more evident in terms of our
relationship to our children.
Modern civilizations - both Eastern and Western
- are no more than a generation or two removed from the belief that children
were property. This, of course, goes hand in hand with the belief
that women were property. The idea that children have rights, individuality,
and dignity is relatively new in modern society. The predominant
and underlying belief, as it has been manifested in the treatment of children,
has been that children are extensions of, and tools to be used by, their
A very telling insight into the basic beliefs
underlying Western attitudes towards children is shared by inner child
pioneer Alice Miller in her book The Drama of The Gifted Child.
She shares how the 19th Century German Philosophers who laid the groundwork
for modern psychology, emphasized the importance of stamping out a child's
"exuberance." In other words, a child's spirit must be crushed in
order to control them.
Children are to be seen and not heard. Spare
the rod and spoil the child.
It is only in very recent history, that our society
has even recognized child abuse as a crime instead of an inherent right
of the parent. The concept of healthy parenting as a skill to be
learned is very new in society.
Any society that does not respect and honor individual
human dignity, is going to be a society that does not meet the essential
needs of it's members. Patriarchal societies, that demean and degrade
women and children, are dysfunctional in their essence.
We form our core relationship with our self and
with life - and of course with other people - in early childhood in reaction
to the messages we get from the way we are treated and the role modeling
of the other people in our lives. We then have no training or initiation
ceremonies, no culturally approved grieving process, to help us let go
of the old programming and learn a different relationship with our self
and life. So, we build upon the foundation laid in early childhood.
As adults, we react to the programming of our
childhood. To contend that our childhood emotional wounds have not affected
our adult lives is ridiculous. To think that our early programming
has not influenced the way we have lived is to be in denial to an extreme.
Because societies standards for what constitutes
success are dysfunctional, many people can be pointed out who "have risen
above" their past to be a success. It is those people, who are supposedly
successful, that are running the world. How good a job do you think
they are doing?
It is our world leaders, reacting out of the fear
and insecurity of their inner children, and the dysfunctional belief systems
underlying civilization, who give us war and poverty, billionaires and
My book, Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls,
evolved out of a talk that I first did in 1991. In the talk, I stated
that I would like to one day make up a bumper sticker that said "Work for
World Peace, Heal Your Inner Child." I did have these bumper stickers
printed when I published my book. It is, I believe, an essential
Truth. We will never have world peace, or a civilized society which
is based upon respect and dignity - to say nothing of Love - unless we
can heal our relationships with ourselves enough to learn to Love and respect
We cannot Love our neighbor as our self, as long
as we are judging and comparing our self to them in order to feel good
about our self. We cannot have a society that meets the essential
emotional and spiritual needs of it's members as long as we are reacting
to life in alignment with rules of interaction that we learned in junior
We are all connected - not separate. We
all have worth and deserved to be treated with dignity and respect - instead
of earning societies version of worth by stepping on and over our fellow
humans, to say nothing of destroying the planet we live on.
It is through healing our inner child wounds that
we can learn to respect and Love our self so that we can know how to treat
others with respect and Love. It is through healing our inner children
that we can save our planet and evolve into a society that does meet the
essential needs of it's members.
Inner child healing is not some fad or pop psychology.
Inner child healing is the only way to empower ourselves to stop living
life in reaction to the past. We have been ignoring history and repeating
it for centuries. If we are going to have a chance to reverse the
self destructive patterns of human kind, it is going to come from individuals
healing self. By healing our inner child wounds, we can change the