by Robert Burney
Romantic Relationships may be the most powerful, meaningful, traumatic, painful, explosive, heart wrenching single topic for most people. As I say on my flyer for my new workshop "Our hearts have been broken because we were taught to do the Dance of Love in a dysfunctional way/to the wrong music."
Our hearts have been broken! And then they were broken again.
It is not your fault. It is not your fault! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
It is a set up. We were set up.
I am thinking of this web page as if it were a crystal with multiple facets. Each facet reflects a little different perspective on the issue of Romantic Relationships. I am going to limit this page to seven of these different but very much interrelated facets.
Facet # 1 - Causes and Symptoms
The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life - with being human. It is a symptom of the dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human beings.
And the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with ourselves is a symptom of Spiritual dis-ease, of not being in balance and harmony with the universe, of feeling disconnected from our Spiritual source.
That is why it is so important to enlarge our perspective. To look beyond the romantic relationship in which we are having problems. To look beyond the dysfunction that exists in our relationships with other people.
The more we enlarge our perspective, the closer we get to the cause instead of just dealing with the symptoms. For example, the more we look at the dysfunction in our relationship with ourselves as human beings the more we can understand the dysfunction in our romantic relationships."
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney
"It is the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to Dance."
Our hearts have been broken because we were taught to do the Dance of Love in a dysfunctional way/to the wrong music.
The True nature of the Dance of Life is Spiritual - become aligned with the Spiritual music of Truth and you can Open Your Heart to the Abundance of Joy & Love that you deserve.
Our mental attitudes and beliefs set up our perspective and expectations which in turn dictate our relationships. With everything. With our self as human beings, with life, with our own emotions, with our bodies, gender, and sexuality - with our concept of God. With the concept of Romantic Relationship and what constitutes success or failure in a Romantic Relationship.
In taking a look at our basic relationship with Romantic Relationships it is important to take note of how far out on the cause and effect spectrum it resides. All of the relationships described in the third sentence in the above paragraph are in the cause realm in relationship to our Romantic Relationships. In other words, not only does our basic relationship with our self, with life, with our concept of a God-Force have a profound affect on our Romantic Relationships - but our relationships with our own emotions, bodies, gender and sexuality are also cause that have effects/consequences/impact on our Romantic Relationships. Any problems/wounds/dysfunction we have in our relationship with our own gender (or sexuality or emotions, etc.) is going to effect our Romantic Relationships.
Now, to make my point here very clearly:
Almost any "problem" encountered in a Romantic Relationship is a symptom/effect of some deeper "problem" within our relationship with our self!
And we live in a culture where we are taught that the "right"/successful Romantic Relationship can make all those other problems go away!
Like, duh, no wonder we have problems with Romantic Relationships.
It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. The songs that say "I can't smile without you" "I can't live without you" "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - that is, an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice.
If a successful Romantic Relationship will cure all of our self-esteem, self-image, gender/body/emotional issues then the other person is set up to be our Higher Power. This is a formula, a set up, to cause dysfunctional Romantic Relationships. (I am using dysfunctional here to mean: does not work to help us get our needs met - mental, emotional, physical, and Spiritual needs.)
Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made. We are set up to fail in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.
Facet # 2 - Outer Dependence
True self-worth does not come from temporary conditions. True self-worth comes from accessing the eternal Truth within, from remembering the state of Grace that is our True condition."
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
We have all been lost, trying to fill the hole in our soul with whatever
we could find that would work in the moment to help us keep from feeling
the emotional pain - alcohol or work or family or sex or religion or whatever.
For many of us that meant Romantic Relationships. If we just found
the right Romantic Relationship, or changed ourselves (or the other person)
enough to make the one we were in work - then everything would be OK.
"As long as you believe that the other person is the source of your happiness you will feel compelled to try to control them so that you can stay happy. You can not control them and be happy."
"Codependence is about giving power to external or outer forces (including other people) over our self-esteem - over how we feel about our self. That is dysfunctional - it does not work. What we are striving for is to learn to be Interdependent - to make allies, form partnerships - not make someone or something outside of us (i.e. our career, money, etc.), or external to our being, our higher power that determines if we have self-worth.
We cannot love someone else enough to make them love them self.
The Heart Break of Romantic Relationship
The Heart Break of Romantic Relationship
This material is copyright 1999 by Robert Burney. Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls is Copyright 1995. Quotations from columns, articles, & web pages are Copyright 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, and 2001 by Robert Burney PO Box 977 Cambria CA 93428