Romantic Relationships & Toxic Love - the dysfunctional norm
"Everything on the physical plane is a reflection of other levels. Ultimately, the strong sexual and sensual desires of human beings really have very little to do with the actual physical act of sex - the True compulsion to unite is about our wounded souls, about our endless, aching need to go home to the God/Goddess Energy. We want to reunite in ONENESS - in LOVE - because that is our True home."
Romantic Relationships & Toxic Love
One of the saddest aspects of Codependency is how hard it makes it for us to connect on an intimate level.
The type of love we learned about growing up is toxic love.
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney
True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Unfortunately the type of love most of us learned about as children is in fact an addiction, a form of toxic love. "I can't smile without you," "I can't live without you," "Someday my prince/princess will come" are not healthy messages. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles.
Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working.
Relationships and Valentine's Day
"The way to healthy interdependence is to be able to see things clearly - to see people, situations, life dynamics and most of all ourselves clearly. If we are not working on healing our childhood wounds and changing our childhood programming then we cannot begin to see ourselves clearly let alone anything else in life.
The disease of Codependence causes us to keep repeating patterns that are familiar. So we pick untrustworthy people to trust, undependable people to depend on, unavailable people to love. By healing our emotional wounds and changing our intellectual programming we can start to practice discernment in our choices so that we can change our patterns and learn to trust ourselves."
"Codependence Recovery is ninth step work, making amends to ourselves and others by changing the attitudes and behaviors that have caused us to hurt ourselves and others. And we cannot make those amends without owning the feelings. We are powerless to substantially change the behavior patterns in our most intimate relationships without doing the grief work."
Return to Joy to You & Me Home Page
The column "Codependence vs Interdependence" can be found on the web
page of the same name.
(The columns "Relationships & Valentines Day", "Codependence
vs Interdependence", & "Toxic Love" by Robert Burney originally
appeared in the Information Press of San Luis Obispo California.)