By Robert Burney M.A.
"The Twelve Step Recovery process is so successful
because it provides a formula for integrating different levels. It is by
recognizing that we are powerless to control our life experiences out of
ego-self that we can access the power out of True Self, Spiritual Self.
By surrendering the illusion of ego control we can reconnect with our Higher
Selves. Selfishness out of ego-self is destroying the planet. Selfishness
out of Spiritual Self is what will save the planet."
Codependence: The
Dance of Wounded Souls
One of the many things which confused me in early recovery
were some seemingly contradictory statements that I would hear at meetings
and from other Recovering people. There were several areas where this came
up but the one which I remember puzzled me the most had to do with the
concept of "selfishness." I would read or hear how negative self-seeking,
self-pity, and self-will were, and how selfishness and self-centeredness
were the root of my problem. But then I would also hear, in a positive
context that this was a selfish program and "to thine own self be true."
Luckily, it wasn't important for me to figure out this paradox in order
to stay sober. I was in my fifth year of recovery when something that I
heard in a meeting reminded me of my puzzlement and started me thinking
about this paradox again. Someone in the meeting talked about how there
were three steps that mentioned power. The first tells me that I don't
have it; the second tells me where to find it; and the eleventh tells me
how to access it - through prayer and meditation.
So the steps tell me that I am powerless and then tell me how to access
power. Were these two different kinds of power? I was real clear that the
moment I accepted my powerlessness to stop drinking and using I somehow
got the power to do exactly that. How did this work? How can powerlessness
lead to empowerment?
It was while writing a book (not the one that has been published but
the next on to be published) about Spirituality that I started to see why
there was paradox in life. I started to understand that there were different
levels of reality. These different levels were the reason that what seemed
to me to be tragedy (quitting drinking) could in the larger perspective,
on a higher level, actually be a great gift. It helped me start understanding
why there is always a "silver lining" - there is always more than one level
of reality at play in any life experience.
That was when I started to understand that there were two very different
levels of "self." There is my ego-self which was traumatized and programmed
in early childhood. The ego-self got the message that I wasn't lovable
or worthy because my parents believed that they weren't lovable or worthy.
In very early childhood my ego-self got the message that there was something
shameful about my "being" - about being me. So the ego tries to defend
me against the pain of not being good enough by trying to keep me separate
from other human beings so they won't find out about my defective nature.
My ego built up huge walls to defend me and keep me separate. The only
ones allowed through those walls were the people that felt familiar - in
other words the very ones who were wounded in such a way that they would
recreate the messages I received in childhood.
So the very defenses that the ego adapted to protect me actually kept
me replaying the old patterns. This is why Codependence is a dysfunctional
defense system it doesn't work to defend me.
What the Twelve Steps did for me was to help me start letting go of
the ego-self's faulty programming. When I surrendered trying to control
things out of ego-self and started looking to a Higher Power is when I
started to access my Spiritual Self. My Spiritual Self is the part of me
that knows that I am a Spiritual Being who is related to everyone and everything
- that we are all ONE. Through my Spiritual Self I have access to all the
power in the Universe.
So when I started praying and meditating I started to access the power
to change my life. And it was very important for me personally to realize
that prayer and meditation did not just mean formal prayer and formal meditation.
What I came to realize is that prayer is "talking to" my Higher Power and
other Recovering people, while meditation is "listening to" my Higher Power
and other Recovering people. I learned to talk to and listen to my Higher
Power all day long - to keep the energy flowing between the physical level
and the Spiritual level - between my self and my Self.
(This is a column by Robert Burney)
The Twelve Steps are a formula for integrating the Spiritual
into the physical so that powerlessness can lead to True empowerment.
Twelve Step Principles & tools include:
Self-Honesty, willingness, Acceptance, letting go, surrender,
Faith, trust, honesty, Humility, Patience, openness, Courage,
Responsibility, action, Forgiveness, compassion, Love.
There are two points of powerlessness with Codependence.
The first is intellectual - when we first realize that there
is something that's not working and that maybe we have to change, to learn
a different way.
The second comes after we have intellectually learned what
boundaries and healthy behavior are but we cannot stop acting out the old
patterns in our closest relationships - we watch ourselves saying things
we don't want to say, and doing things we don't want to do.
This is when it is necessary to do the emotional healing.
Here is my version of the initial steps from these two different
levels.
Intellectual Steps
Step 1. I acknowledge and accept that I am powerless out of
ego-self to control my human life experience, and that the delusion that
I should be in control has caused pain and suffering in my life.
Step 2. Came to remember that I am a Spiritual Being who is part of
the ONENESS that is the Unconditionally Loving, ALL-Powerful Universal
Force, and that believing in that Force can help to bring balance, harmony,
and sanity to my life.
Step 3. Made a decision to ask the Force to help me align my will, my
actions, and my life with the Universal Power.
Emotional Steps
Step 1. Admitted that I am powerless to substantially change the learned
behavioral defenses and dysfunctional attitudes from childhood until I
deal with the emotional wounds of my childhood experience.
Step 2. Came to remember that I am a Spiritual Being who is part of
the ONENESS that is the Unconditionally Loving, ALL-Powerful Universal
Force, and that believing in that Force can help to bring balance, harmony,
and sanity to my life.
Step 3. Made a decision to ask the Force to help me face the terror
of healing my emotional wounds.
