Quotations in maroon are from
The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney (Copyright 1995). Quotations
from columns & articles (Copyright 1996, 1997, 1998) written by Mr.
Burney are noted and in blue text. Blue text material that is not in quotes
is from Robert's upcoming book Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light
(Copyright 1998) unless otherwise noted. There
are several authors quoted in excerpts from The Dance of Wounded Souls,
those are noted with copyright acknowledgment at the end of the applicable
Empowerment & Victimization
Codependence involves feeling trapped; feeling victimized;
feeling like we don't have any choices.
by Robert Burney M.A.
"As long as we look outside of Self - with a capital
S - to find out who we are, to define ourselves and give us self-worth,
we are setting ourselves up to be victims.
We were taught to look outside of ourselves - to
people, places, and things; to money, property, and prestige - for fulfillment
and happiness. It does not work, it is dysfunctional. We cannot fill the
hole within with anything outside of Self.
You can get all the money, property, and prestige
in the world, have everyone in the world adore you, but if you are not
at peace within, if you don't Love and accept yourself, none of it will
work to make you Truly happy.
When we look outside for self-definition and self-worth,
we are giving power away and setting ourselves up to be victims. We are
trained to be victims. We are taught to give our power away.
As just one small example of how pervasively we are
trained to be victims, consider how often you have said, or heard someone
say, "I have to go to work tomorrow." When we say "I have to" we are making
a victim statement. To say, "I have to get up, and I have to go to work,"
is a lie. No one forces an adult to get up and go to work. The Truth is
"I choose to get up and I choose to go to work today, because I choose
to not have the consequences of not working." To say, "I choose," is not
only the Truth, it is empowering and acknowledges an act of self-Love.
When we "have to" do something we feel like a victim. And because we feel
victimized, we will then be angry, and want to punish, whomever we see
as forcing us to do something we do not want to do such as our family,
or our boss, or society."
Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney
Codependence and recovery are both multi-leveled,
multi-dimensional phenomena. It is very easy for me to write hundreds of
pages about any single aspect of codependence and recovery what is very
difficult and painful is to write a short column. No facet of this topic
is linear and one-dimensional, so there is no simple answer to any one
question - rather there are a multitude of answers to the same question,
all of which are True on some level.
So in order to facilitate writing a short column
on this month's topic, I am going to make a brief point about two dimensions
of this phenomena in relationship to empowerment. These two dimensions
are the horizontal and the vertical. In this context the horizontal is
about being human and relating to other humans and our environment. The
vertical is Spiritual about our relationship to the God-Force. Codependence
is at it's core a Spiritual disease and the only way out of it is through
a Spiritual cure - so any recovery, any empowerment, depends upon Spiritual
Now that said, I will write this column about
the other dimension.
On a horizontal level empowerment is about choices.
Being victimized is about not having choices - about feeling trapped. In
order to start becoming empowered in life it is absolutely vital to start
owning our choices.
As children we were taught that it is shamefully
bad to make mistakes - that we caused our parents great emotional pain
if we were not perfect. So as adults most of us went to one extreme or
the other - that is we tried to do it perfect according to the rules we
were taught (get married, have a family and career, work hard and you will
be rewarded, etc.) or we rebelled and broke the rules (and usually became
conformists to the anti-establishment rules). Some of us tried going one
way and then, when that didn't work, turned around and went the other.
By going to either extreme we were giving power
away. We were not choosing our own path we were reacting to their path.
Integrating the Spiritual Truth (the vertical)
of an unconditionally Loving God-Force into our process is vital in order
to take the crippling toxic shame about being imperfect humans out of the
equation. That toxic shame is what makes it so hard for us to own our right
to make choices instead of just reacting to someone else set of rules.
Recovery from codependence is about balance and
integration. Finding the balance of taking responsibility for our part
in things while also holding others responsible for their part. The black
and white perspective is never the truth. The truth in human interactions
(the horizontal) is always somewhere in the gray area.
And we always have a choice. If someone sticks
a gun in my face and says, "Your money or your life!" I have a choice.
I may not like my choice but I have one. In life we often don't like our
choices because we don't know what the outcome is going to be and we are
terrified of doing it 'wrong.'
Even with life events that occur in a way that
we seemingly don't have a choice over (being laid off work, the car breaking
down, a flood, etc.) we still have a choice over how we respond to those
events. We can choose to see things that feel like, and seem to be, tragic
as opportunities for growth. We can choose to focus on the half of the
glass that is full and be grateful for it or to focus on the half that
is empty and be the victim of it. We have a choice about where we focus
In order to become empowered, to become the co-creator
in our lives, and to stop giving power to the belief that we are the victim,
it is absolutely necessary to own that we have choices. As in the quotation
above: if we believe that we "have" to do something then we are buying
into the belief that we are the victim and don't have the power to make
choices. To say "I have to go to work" is a lie. "I have to go to work
if I want to eat" may be the truth but then you are making a choice to
eat. The more conscious we get about our choices, the more empowered we
We need to take the "have to"s out of our vocabulary.
As long as we reacting to life unconsciously we do not have choices. In
consciousness we always have a choice. We do not "have to" do anything.
Until we own that we have a choice, we haven't
made one. In other words, if you do not believe that you have a choice
to leave your job, or relationship, then you have not made a choice to
stay in it. You can only Truly commit yourself to something if you are
consciously choosing to do it. This includes the area that is probably
the single hardest job in our society today, the area that it is almost
impossible not to feel trapped in some of the time - being a single parent.
A single parent has the choice of giving their children up for adoption,
or abandoning them. That is a choice! If a single parent believes that
he/she has no choice, then they will feel trapped and resentful and will
end up taking it out on their children!
Empowerment is seeing reality as it really is,
owning the choices you have, and making the best of it with the support
of a Loving God-Force. There is incredible power in the simple words "I
(Column "Empowerment" By Robert
It is vital to stop giving power to the belief in
victimization in order to see reality clearly.
Empowerment comes from seeing life as it is and
making the best of it.
Acceptance is the key.
"On the level of our perspective of the process it
is very important to stop buying into the false beliefs that as adults
we are victims and someone else is to blame - or that we are to blame because
there is something wrong with us.
[One of the things which makes it difficult to discuss
this phenomena of Codependence is that there are multiple levels
perspectives - which are involved in this life experience. Viewing life
from a perspective, on the level, of individuals who have experienced racial,
cultural, religious, or sexual discrimination or abuse, there are many
instances in which there has been Truth in the belief of victimization.
On the level of the historical human experience, all human beings have
been victims of the conditions which caused Codependence. Almost any statement
can be shown to be false on some levels and True on other levels, so it
is important to realize that the use of discernment is vital to start perceiving
the boundaries between different levels.
In the next section, Part Five, when I discuss the
Cosmic Perspective and the Cosmic Perfection of this life experience, I
will be discussing the paradox, and confusion to human beings, that has
been the result of these multiple levels of reality - but I have devoted
Part Two and Part Four to discussing the Spiritual growth process and our
perspective on that process because the Cosmic Perfection does not mean
crap unless we can start integrating it into our day to day life experience.
In order to start changing life into an easier, more
enjoyable experience by attaining some integration and balance in our relationships
it is necessary to focus on, and clear up, our relationship with this Spiritual
Evolutionary process that we are involved in. On the level of that Spiritual
growth process it is vital to let go of the belief in victimization and
As I said, the goal of healing is not to become perfect,
it is not to "get healed." Healing is a process, not a destination - we
are not going to arrive at a place in this lifetime where we are completely
The goal here is to make life an easier and more
enjoyable experience while we are healing. The goal is to LIVE. To be able
to feel happy, Joyous, and free in the moment, the majority of the time.
To get to a place where we are free to be happy in
the moment most of the time, we need to change our perspectives enough
to start recognizing Truth when we see or hear it. And the Truth is that
we are Spiritual Beings having a human experience that is unfolding perfectly
and always has been, there are no accidents, coincidences, or mistakes
- so there is no blame to be assessed.
The goal here is to be and enjoy! We can't do that
if we are judging and shaming ourselves. We can't do that if we are blaming
ourselves or others."
(All quotes in this color are
quotes from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney)
By Robert Burney M.A.
"I spent most of my life doing the Serenity
prayer backwards, that is, trying to change the external things over which
I had no control - other people and life events mostly - and taking no
responsibility (except shaming and blaming myself) for my own internal
process - over which I can have some degree of control. Having some control
is not a bad thing; trying to control something or somebody over which
I have no control is what is dysfunctional."
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded
Souls by Robert Burney
Self-honesty is the foundation of the
Twelve Step Recovery program - the principle underling the first step.
There are many different levels of honesty, including "cash register" honesty,
emotional honesty, being honest in interactions with others, etc. All levels
of honesty are important in various ways but early in my recovery process
I learned a great deal about being honest with myself from Dr. Paul's chapter
in the Big Book - "Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict." That level of honesty had
to do with being honest with myself about my expectations.
There is an old joke about the difference between
a neurotic and a psychotic. The psychotic truly believes that 2 + 2 = 5.
The neurotic knows that it is 4 but can't stand it. That was the way I
lived most of my life I could see how life was but I couldn't stand it.
I was always feeling like a victim because people and life were not acting
in the way I believed they "should" act.
I expected life to be different than it is. I
thought if I was good and did it "right" then I would reach 'happily ever
after.' I believed that if I was nice to people they would be nice to me.
Because I grew up in a society where people were taught that other people
could control their feelings, and vise versa, I had spent most of my life
trying to control the feelings of others and blaming them for my feelings.
By having expectations I was giving power away.
In order to become empowered I had to own that I had choices about how
I viewed life, about my expectations. I realized that no one can make me
feel hurt or angry - that it is my expectations that cause me to generate
feelings of hurt of anger. In other words, the reason I feel hurt or anger
is because other people, life, or God are not doing what I want them, expect
them, to do.
I had to learn to be honest with myself about
my expectations - so I could let go of the ones that were insane (like,
everyone is going to drive the way I want them to), and own my choices
- so I could take responsibility for how I was setting myself up to be
a victim in order to change my patterns. Accept the things I cannot change
- change the things I can.
When I first started realizing how much my expectations
were dictating my emotional reactions to life, I tried not to have any
expectations. I soon came to realize that it was impossible to live in
society and not have expectations. If I have electricity in my home I am
going to expect the lights to come on - and if they don't, I am going to
have feelings about it. If I own that having electricity is a choice I
make, then I realize that I am not being the victim of the electric company
I am just experiencing a life event. And life events occur for me to learn
from - not to punish me.
The more I owned that I was making choices that
caused me to give away some power over my feelings and that those feelings
were ultimately my responsibility - the less I reacted out of a victim
place - the more serenity I had about events that occurred. To believe
that unpleasant stuff should never happen to me was a truly insane, dysfunctional
notion. The reality of life is that 'stuff' happens.
Of course, getting to the place where I could
accept life on life's terms was only possible because I was working on
letting go of the belief that it was happening to me because I was unworthy
and bad - which I learned growing up in a shame-based society. It was essential
for me to stop blaming myself and feeling ashamed of being human so that
I could stop blaming others and always feeling like a victim. In other
words, it was necessary to start seeing life as a Spiritual growth process
that I couldn't control in order to get out of the blame them or blame
I found that there were layers of expectations
I had to look at. I wanted to feel that I could be a righteous victim if
someone told me they were going to do something and didn't. But then I
had to own that I was the one who chose to believe them. I had to also
realize that falling in love was a choice and not a trap that I accidentally
stepped into. Loving is a choice that I make and the consequences of that
choice are my responsibility not the other persons. As long as I kept buying
into the belief that I was being victimized by the person I loved there
was no chance of having a healthy relationship.
The most insidious level of expectations for me
had to do with my expectations of myself. The "critical parent" voice in
my head has always berated me for not being perfect, for being human. My
expectations, the "shoulds," my disease piled on me were a way in which
I victimized myself. I was always judging, shaming and beating myself up
because as a little child I got the message that something was wrong with
There is nothing wrong with me - or you. It is
our relationship with ourselves and life that is dysfunctional. We are
Spiritual beings who came into body in an emotionally dishonest, Spiritually
hostile environment where everyone was trying to do human according to
false belief systems. We were taught to expect life to be something that
it isn't. It isn't our fault that things are so screwed up - it is however
our responsibility to change the things we can within ourself.
(Column "Expectations" By Robert
God/Goddess/Great Spirit, help me to access:
the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change (life, other people),
The courage and willingness to change the things
I can (me, my own attitudes and behaviors),
And the wisdom and clarity to know the difference.
(adapted version of Serenity Prayer)
Serenity is not Freedom from the Storm - it
is Peace Amidst the Storm. (unknown)
Return to Joy to You & Me Home Page
Copyright Material belonging to Robert Burney
PO Box 977 Cambria, CA 93428
(Column "Empowerment" by Robert
Burney originally appeared in the Information Press of San Luis Obispo
(The Article "Expectations" by
Robert Burney originally appeared in Recovery Today a monthly newsletter
of the LCDC training School which are distributed throughout the state
Although my book and articles make reference to
Alcoholics Anonymous, the principles and Twelve Step program of A.A., this
does not mean that A.A. has reviewed or approved the contents of these
writings, nor that A.A. agrees with the views expressed herein. A.A. is
a program of recovery from alcoholism only - use of this material in connection
with programs and activities which are patterned after A.A., but address
other problems, or in any other non-A.A. context, does not imply otherwise.