To all the folks on my e-mailing list,
I made some changes to my Web Site as of July 1st.
*I changed my online column to one entitled
Within” which was quoted in part on another page - and I have
had several inquiries about it - so I added the whole column. A quote:
"The feeling of wanting to die, of not wanting
to be here, is the most overwhelming, most familiar feeling in my emotional
inner landscape. Until I started doing my inner child healing I believed
that who I really was at the deepest, truest part of my being, was that
person who wanted to die. "
*I added a new page “Grief,
Love, & Fear of Intimacy” which is a quite personal article about
the first time I did some deep grief work. Here is a quote from it.
“With great heaving sobs, tears pouring down
my cheeks, and snot running out my nose, I had my first experience with
deep grief work. I did not know anything about the process at the
time I just knew that somehow that wounded little boy was still
alive inside of me.”
I had to chuckle a little as I wrote above that this article was personal
since all of my work is personal. I really believe in sharing my
experience, strength, and hope. I had to quit writing for a paper
I used to write monthly columns for because the publisher/editor kept trying
to change my copy - she would want to change ‘I’ to ‘they’ and things like
that - because she said that I was supposed to sound strong and powerful
and not be vulnerable. I told her that part of the dysfunction in
our codependent society was trying to “keep up appearances” and be emotionally
dishonest - but she obviously didn’t get it.
Another incident also comes to mind. I had just started in a therapist
position at an outpatient chemical dependence program in Van Nuys California
a little over 10 years ago. One evening in a Family Group I was talking
about how grateful I was to be in recovery and I teared up - I didn’t cry,
just teared up. The next week the Clinical Director came marching
into our office and needed to talk to me about something he was quite disturbed
about. He proceeded to lecture me about getting emotional in front
of the clients - this psychiatrist who was on anti-depressants because
he was suicidal over a relationship breakup - warned me to never let it
happen again. I was not far enough along in my recovery at that point
to confront him but I do remember thinking to myself - “Then who is supposed
to be the role models?”
The thing that was the most damaging to us was the role modeling of
the emotionally crippled adults we grew up around - the role modeling is
what taught us the dysfunctional definitions of who we are as emotional
beings. It is vitally important, in my opinion, that we have some
beings who are willing to role model what emotionally healthy behavior
is - which includes being emotionally vulnerable at times.
Traditional therapy/counseling in this society is set up as a one up/one
down situation - that is the therapist is set up as the expert who treats
the poor unfortunate patient. I happen to agree with something Ram
Dass once said about this - “If you meet a therapist who thinks you are
the patient - run!”
There were two interrelated things that I had to get clear about when
I started working as a therapist: One is that I am powerless over
other people - over the pace of their progress, over whether they hear
what I am saying to them, over where their path leads. I watched
a good friend die of Alcoholism (which is in a column on the Alcoholism
page) and saw how clearly he helped other alcoholics stay sober because
he couldn’t - he did more to keep more people sober than many of the sober
people I know. I can’t know what someone elses' path is - therefore
I can’t tell them what is right and wrong - what I do is help them see
themselves clearer (especially as to understanding how their childhood
experiences have dictated their lives), see their choices and the possible
consequences clearer, and know that we are Spiritual Beings going to boarding
school not taking a test - the lesson we are learning is how to Love -
and we can't fail because we are Unconditionally Loved by/part of
the Great Spirit/God/Goddess no matter what - so it is OK to forgive ourselves
for being human and treat ourselves in more Loving ways. .
Which brings me to the second thing, which I believe is a Spiritual
Truth - I teach best what I need most to learn. I teach people how
to Love themselves because I am trying to learn how to Love myself.
I learned to always listen to what I was saying because, though I have
no control whether anyone else hears me, I do have the power to choose
to hear myself - and there is always something in what I am saying that
applies to me and my process in that moment. I had someone
in a workshop say to me one time "Boy, you really know this stuff!
You have really studied this, you are kind of like an Olympic athlete or
something in this area." My immediate reaction - as it so often is
- was to react out of my disease: "That's because I was so sick."
But then I caught myself and changed it to wounded. All of the old souls
who are doing this healing - in my belief - were born at a heart chakra
level of consciousness and then had to shut down our hearts. That
is why is hurts so much - we were expecting something kinder and gentler
than what we were born into - I have always felt like I was in the wrong
place - like someone screwed up in the Transporter room and beamed me to
the wrong planet.
I am in process just as my clients are - just as we all are. There
is no hierarchy as far as I am concerned - just one wounded person/Magnificent
Spiritual Being sharing what has worked for me with another wounded person/Magnificent
Spiritual Being. I am doing what I need to do for myself, to heal myself
- it doesn't have to do with anyone else - that it helps other people is
just a bonus (and an opportunity to settle Karma).
So anyway, I didn’t mean to get off on a tangent there but I have been
thinking about making these monthly (or 6 weekly or whatever) updates into
a kind of newsletter - so I guess that is what is happening.
*I have also made some changes to the ordering
page to add a link to another web site that carries some of my articles
that aren’t on my site. While I was at it I put in links to the web
pages that contain full copies of the articles and columns on the list
of my writings.
*And last but not least - I added some
personal biographical information to the “About the
In closing, I am going to quote myself here, from the Authors
Foreword to The Dance of Wounded Souls.
“So now I share this message with you, the reader
of this book, in the hopes that it will help you to remember the Truth
of who you are, and why you are here. This information is not meant
to be absolute or the final word
it is meant
as an alternative perspective for you to consider. A Cosmic Perspective
that just might help to make life an easier, more enjoyable experience
I quote this to make a point. I meant what I said there.
If you have found that you have differences of opinion (theological ones
for instance) from some of the things I say in my book or any of my writing
- that’s not a problem for me. I have no desire to impose my perspective
on others - I am just offering a larger perspective of life in hopes that
it may help others to break out of the little definition boxes society
imposes upon us. I don’t have any absolute answers - if I thought
I did, that would probably be the disease talking to me. Part
of the process of recovery, of healing, is learning discernment - take
what works for you and leave the rest. We are all wounded, we are
all trying to find our way back home to Love. To be part of a community
of seekers we don’t have to agree on all the details - ultimately the details
aren’t important - Learning how to access Love and Joy and Light and Truth
is how we will find out way home - we are all ONE.
Wishing you all Joy, Peace, & Love,