To all the folks on my e-mailing list,
I made some changes to my Web Site as of August 14th. I
ended up adding a lot more than I thought I was going to this time.
An article, that I was writing for the Recovery newspaper in Texas, turned
into a 3 part series that I realized I wanted to add the Process Work section
of the Web Site.
The three part series deals with the innovative and powerful techniques
which I have discovered in my personal recovery and my private practice
for setting internal boundaries. In my opinion and experience having
internal boundaries is the key to Spiritual integration and emotional balance.
A quote from Learning to Love our self:
“Learning to have internal boundaries is a
dynamic process that involves three distinctly different, but intimately
interconnected, spheres of work. The purpose of the work is to change
A quote from Loving the Wounded Child Within:
to change our relationship
with ourselves by changing our emotional/behavioral defense system into
something that works to open us up to receive Love, instead of sabotaging
ourselves because of our deep belief that we don’t deserve love.
These three spheres are:
2. Inner Child Healing
“When we were 3 or 4 we couldn’t look around
us and say, “Well, Dad’s a drunk and Mom is real depressed and scared
A quote from Feeling the Feelings:
is why it feels so awful here. I think I’ll go get my own apartment.”
Our parents were our higher powers. We were not capable of understanding
that they might have problems that had nothing to do with us. So
it felt like it was our fault.”
“ . . . I had a feeling, and a visual image,
that I had just opened Pandora’s Box
were loose now and I would never be able shut that box again.
Doing the grief work is absolutely terrifying.
The word I came up with to describe how I felt was terrif---ingfying.
It felt like if I ever really owned the pain, I would end up crying in
a rubber room for the rest of my life. That if I ever really owned
the rage, I would just go up and down the street shooting people.
That is not what happened. The Spirit guided me through the process
and gave me the resources I needed to release great quantities of that
pent up, pressurized emotional energy.”
My original plan (you know what they say about if you want to make God
chuckle just make some plans) was to use the first article as my online
column this time. I realized though that the three articles might
be very useful to some one out there who is looking for some tools right
now - so I decided it was more important to include all three in the Process
Since these articles took a lot of time and energy to write, I decided
on something simple and easy for the online column. It is a column
that I wrote a year or so ago to soothe the publisher who was so upset
with me about being too personal and vulnerable in the columns I was writing
for her newspaper. (I talked about this in the last Joy to You & Me
e-mailing - see below )
*The new online column is about the 4 basic
roles in dysfunctional families and is called (appropriately enough): Roles
in Dysfunctional Families
A quote from Roles in Dysfunctional Families:
“It is important to note that we adapt the
roles that are best suited to our personalities. We are, of course,
born with a certain personality. What happens with the roles we adapt
in our family dynamic is that we get a twisted, distorted view of who we
are as a result of our personality melding with the roles. This is dysfunctional
because it causes us to not be able to see ourselves clearly. The
false self that we develop to survive is never totally false
is always some Truth in it. For example, people who go into the helping
professions do truly care and are not doing what they do simply out of
The other major content change I made was to merge two pages that had
been previous online columns. The “Mothers Day” and “Fathers” columns are
now on the same page, which is called (quite cleverly I thought) : “Mothers
and Fathers.” I also added a third column which has not been on the
Web Site previously. This was a column I wrote several years ago
called “Fathers Day” - and is about the effect my father’s rage had on
me while I was growing up.
A quote from the new column Fathers Day:
“I wrote a sentence that I intended to say
“Why was nothing I did ever good enough for you?” When I looked at
the paper what it said was “Why was nothing I did ever good enough for
me?” That was a real turning point for me. It caused me to
realize that, though my father traumatized me as a child, I was the one
who was perpetuating what he taught me and perpetrating on myself.
That was when I really started to understand that healing is an inside
job. Because, though my father is probably never going to say “I
love you” to me, I can say it to myself.”
This Web Site thing has been quite an interesting experience for me.
I was basically computer illiterate (and still largely am) when I first
posted this Web Site at the end of February - having used my computer primarily
for word processing up until that time. Working on the design and
construction of the site has been an evolving opportunity for growth.
It has changed design-wise quite a bit from the first crude pages I posted.
It is still pretty crude in comparison to many sites on the web - but my
site is, and will continue to be, about content rather than design. I want
it to look nice of course - but it is the information that I am sharing
that is what is important.
I have felt from the time I published my book, that every book that
went out was like a pebble in the pond - and that eventually the ripples
would come together. Now that I have the Web Site also, there are
many pebbles hitting that pond of Human Consciousness on a daily basis.
I feel humble and proud (not mutually exclusive at all), honored and very
grateful, to be able to be a messenger of (what I believe is) Truth and
Love. Most of what I have to say isn’t new to you all, it is just
tied together in a perspective that helps make it a little clearer (or
so I hope.)
Since we are all connected, the healing that any one of us is doing
is affecting all of us. I like to believe that I am something like
Imo, the monkey in the hundredth monkey story, in helping to create a new,
larger aspect of Consciousness that others can then access. With
the World Wide Web, this is not only True metaphysically but also literally.
It brings me great Joy.
If you are not familiar with the hundredth monkey story you can read
it on my web page about The New Age.
I had no idea I was going to go into that - oh well - sometimes I think
that a lot of the purpose of making plans is to give myself practice in
letting go, surrender, and acceptance.
To continue about the Web Site experience, I slowly and sometimes painfully,
have been learning about working with web pages and html (the programing
language that web pages are written in.) And learning about the web
itself. There are some very frustrating aspects of this process.
One is that the web page as I design it and see it in the browser I use
(Netscape) is not going to look the same in your browser. How the
page looks (in terms of spacing, size of print, certain graphics or colors,
etc.) is different according to what browser you are using (Netscape and
Explorer being the two primary ones), what version of the browser (i.e.
2.0, 3.0. 4.4, etc.), what size screen you are viewing it on, what resolution
you are viewing it in, etc. Even when we are using the same version
of the same browser the pages may very well look different (I don’t understand
it.). So, if the page looks a little weird on your screen, please
understand that I don’t mean it to look weird - it is just the way the
system works at this point in time.
The other very frustrating aspect is dealing with Search Engines.
It doesn’t do any good to have a Web Site if people can’t find it.
Each Search Engine has a little different (or very different) criteria
for ranking web pages. Some are very quick and efficient (i.e. Infoseek,
Looksmart/Alta Vista, Lycos), some are impossible (Webcrawler supposedly
takes 3 months to index a site - which some of the others do instantly
or within 24 hours - and I still haven’t been able to get my pages on them
after 6 months), some very inconsistent (Excite, which powers AOL Netfind,
is always changing - one day they list 22 pages of my site, then they have
3, then none, then 6, etc. - they also grab a couple lines from somewhere
on the page for the description - which sometimes is perfect and others
makes no sense at all), and some charge for ranking (GoTo). Then
there is Yahoo - very aggravating to say the least. Yahoo is not a search
engine, it is a directory. Supposedly they index sites in 2 to 4
weeks - but why they list some sites and not others is a mystery that I
don’t think they even understand (and they don’t answer e-mail inquiries.)
I haven’t yet been able to get listed in Yahoo despite many attempts from
different angles. And it just got more maddening because they just
switched primary search engines. Any search on Yahoo used to automatically
go to Alta Vista (a very quick and efficient search engine) but they have
now switched to Inktomi. Inktomi is a quick and efficient search
engine in some of it’s manifestations (HotBot, Snap) but the version that
Yahoo is using (InkYahoo) does not have any way to submit pages.
Yahoo still talks in their help sections about Alta Vista (a few months
behind the times) and there is no avenue for submitting to InkYahoo - which
for some reason has very out of date information. While the version
of Inktomi that is used in other search engines has relatively up to date
information on my Web Site - the version used in Yahoo is 5 months old
and very out of date. (I am talking about the descriptions that come
up with the pages when doing a search - if you follow the link you will
get the current page because it is the only one available .) The information
is out of date which affects the ranking the page is given - if a page
doesn’t come up in the top 10 or at least top 20 on a search there is not
much chance that people will look further.
So, now I am sure that I have just given you more information about
this than most of you ever wanted to know - sorry about that.
About frustration, since I mentioned it several times. 10 years
ago when I was in a 30 day treatment program for codependence (clinically
called: depression) one of the counselors gave a definition of frustration
that made me angry then, and still riles me when I am getting frustrated
and I remember his words.
Frustration (he said) is what you feel when you are in a power struggle
and you are losing.
Which means, for me, that there is something I need to let go of - some
part of my plan, my picture of how I think things should be that I need
to surrender - so I can see and accept reality as it is and then make the
best of it.
A small example: I go to the post office, or the bank, and the
line is longer than I want it to be (now that is kind of an oxymoron -
I mean really, when has a line ever been “shorter” than I wanted it to
be.) I am standing in line and I realize that I am “revving up” (getting
wound up tight inside, feeling turmoil, conflict inside) because these
people are in front of me (and the nerve of them - some of them have a
bunch of packages (never mind how many I have)) holding me up. That
is when it is time to stop, take a deep breath and talk to myself.
“Now really, this is only going to take 5 or 10 minutes and we’ve got a
half hour to get to the next place. So chill our, lighten up, relax
and look around - maybe there is someone or something here you are supposed
And then I can relax and go with the flow of life. My programming
is to want to rush, hurry, force things along - so it is very important
that I catch it when I am starting to create anxiety for myself - because
those feelings are my responsibility, they are not the fault of the people
in line or the post office for not having enough people at the windows
(It is always so easy to blame bureaucrats - and it is also insane of me
to expect reality to be different than it is.)
Every day in my life there are plans, expectations that I need to let
go of. I realized at some point in my recovery that the days I was
calling bad days were actually the days that things weren’t going the way
I wanted/expected them to go - and those were the days that I was actually
learning the most - so I had to stop calling them “bad” days. (I started
calling them adventures instead. What we name things has power - the more
we call something hard or bad, the harder it is - attitude adjustment.)
That brings to mind one of my columns - here is a quote from it: (This
column is on the Empowerment and Victimization
page of the Web Site)
“There is an old joke about the difference between
a neurotic and a psychotic. The psychotic truly believes that 2 + 2 = 5.
The neurotic knows that it is 4 but can't stand it. That was the way I
lived most of my life I could see how life was but I couldn't stand it.
I was always feeling like a victim because people and life were not acting
in the way I believed they "should" act.
I expected life to be different than it is. I
thought if I was good and did it "right" then I would reach 'happily ever
after.' I believed that if I was nice to people they would be nice to me.
Because I grew up in a society where people were taught that other people
could control their feelings, and vise versa, I had spent most of my life
trying to control the feelings of others and blaming them for my feelings.”
(Column "Expectations" By Robert Burney)