To all of the Magnificent Spiritual Beings on my e-mailing list,

I have been putting in a lot of hours on the Web Site the last few weeks in order to make some pretty major additions and get this newsletter out before Thanksgiving.  The plan is that this will be the last changes I make the Web Site until after the Holidays (As I have mentioned in previous newsletters my plans and my Higher Power’s plans are not always the same - so More Will Be Revealed about that.)
 

Now for the major additions.
 

With the Holiday Season coming up maybe a few of you will take this opportunity to give yourself and others the kind of gift that, to me, can Truly keep on giving - a book.  And no, it is not necessarily codependent to send someone a book - as long as you then let go of whether or not they ever read it.  We cannot change others - but we can plant seeds.  I can’t tell you how many times I have heard people say “I’ve had that book for years and then for some reason picked it up the other day.”  That is, of course, how the process works - the Spirit will guide us to what we need when the time is right.

And yes, I do get a percentage of the sale price - this is one of my ways of planting some seeds in the financial abundance realm.  And even though ABUNDANCE IS FLOWING INTO MY LIFE EASILY AND EFFORTLESSLY, FREELY AND ABUNDANTLY (sorry about the yelling but sometimes I add emphasis to my positive affirmations to show the Universe how much I believe them) - my idea of abundance and my Higher Power’s don’t seem to match up very often.  CancelCancel   Actually that is an old tape that just popped out and is not really true any more - as long as I practice the principles that I talk about in my Thanksgiving column I am quite grateful for all the abundance that is in my life - which brings me to something I wanted to talk about in this newsletter - but I want to finish telling you about the changes first so instead I will share a passage from my book about how my process works in relationship to God’s time vs my time.
 

I spent most of my life trying to become - perfect, loved, accepted, respected, etc., etc.  It did not work because I was looking outside for something that can only be found within.

Now I know that I am not in control of this process and that what I am becoming is in the hands of a Loving (although somewhat slow-working) Great Spirit.  I do not have to worry anymore about becoming - all I have to do is be.  I just have to suit up and show up for life today and do what is in front of me.  And everything will work out better than I could ever have planned it.

There are no accidents, no coincidences - everything is unfolding perfectly.
It is no accident that two days before I first gave this talk in June of 1991, when I didn’t know exactly what I was going to say and how I was going to say it, when I was frustrated and angry with God because things were not working out the way I thought they should, when I was terrified of getting up in front of people and owning my Truth, when I was just in the part of the process that feels like crap - a friend, a messenger from God, told me a joke.

This joke is about a man who is talking to God, trying to understand God’s perspective on things. 

The man says to God, “What is a billion years like to you?”

God says, “A second.” 

And the man says, “Oh, that’s interesting.  Well, what is a billion dollars like to you?”

And God says,  “A penny.”

And the man, being human, of course starts calculating to himself,  “Well, if a billion dollars is like a penny to God then a million must really be nothing.  I’ll  bet I could get God to give me a million.”

So the man says to God,  “Can I have a million dollars?”

God says, “Sure . . . in a second.”

God’s time is perfect - it just doesn’t feel like it to us all of the time.  The more we can align our perspective with Truth the less we will feel like we are being punished.

By the way, the hardest part of unconditional Love is accepting wherever we are at in the moment no matter how uncomfortable.  The hardest part of acceptance is not the difficulty of allowing others their process (although Lord knows that can be very hard); it is allowing ourselves our own process without shame and judgment.

I can do that now most of the time.  I know now that when it feels like crap it is not punishment, it is not because I am bad or wrong or defective (although there is still a little part of me, that critical parent/disease voice that wants me to buy into that - and probably there always will be). 

What I know now is that when it feels like shit that means that I am being fertilized to help me grow.  I am so very grateful to God for all the wonderful fertilizer that has been poured on me over the years.

1.  I talk about some pretty controversial stuff from a perspective that can be upsetting to some people.  I was working on the page about Jesus and Mary Magdalene at that time and was not sure I wanted to put it out there for everyone to see.  As it turns out I am very proud of that page - I personally think it is quite Masterful - and I feel sorry for anyone who reads it with such a closed mind or rigid belief system that they would feel the need to react negatively.  (By the way, I never got a reply from the person who asked the question - but when I sent out the next update the one to that person got returned as barred from that address - sad.)  Also, though in the past I have found myself showing great resistance to being out there in front as a target - I have now come to a level of acceptance such that it would even be ok if they burned me at the stake again - I want all of the Karma settled, whatever that takes. 

2.  I have been scared to death that my book editor Heidi who lives in Taos New Mexico would discover them and what she would do would probably be worse than burning at the stake.   In explanation of what I am talking about - here is the disclaimer that I just placed at the top of my indexQA page: 

(For any of you that have not read my update/newsletters, the one for 8-23-98 explains that I am enjoying the freedom of approaching these Q & A pages and updates in a very casual fashion when it comes to grammar and punctuation - including allowing myself to end sentences with prepositions - so if it bothers you, it can be a wonderful opportunity to practice letting go and not throwing the baby out with the bath water. :-) )

So now I have so much courage and faith that I am not only willing to face the mob again - but also to face Heidi if I have to.  (One of those prepositions-oh well.) The index page for the question and answer pages is now out there for the world to see - so More Will Be Revealed.

I am also in the process of redesigning the whole web site.  I am still using a primitive web design program so that the redesign isn't that radical - mostly a matter of restructuring for the purposes of faster download time and to try to get higher in the search engines with certain keywords.  I have ranked high in most of the search engines for quite a while (I finally got onto Webcrawler after 6 months and Excite keeps fluctuating between indexing 20 some pages and 2 or 3 - and I still haven’t gotten on Yahoo! - I talk about the process of getting on search engines and the web experience in general in my Newsletter for 8-15-98) in keywords like codependence and inner child healing, and in some Spiritual categories (I even came up first in someone’s search for John Bradshaw Recovery Center the other day - thanks John) but it turns out that a lot more people use codependency than codependence - so where I might be found in the top 5 in codependence - I was ranking up above 50 someplace in codependency. 

As I recently read - putting up a web page without getting high ranking in the search engines is a little like getting a phone and not giving anyone the number - so just putting the information out there is not the end of the job.  I feel very blessed with the success the web site has had up to now - which verges on the miraculous since I am basically a computer illiterate and I have done everything myself.

So anyway, (there I go covering a lot of ground again) I am doing some redesign on all of the pages - which includes toning the colors and textures down to just a few basic ones.  I was actually kind of embarrassed to go back and look at some of the pages that I hadn’t paid any attention to for the last 4 months - some pretty weird colors and textures on some of them.  Of course then I have to laugh because if you could have seen what it look like back at the end of February when I first posted it you would laugh too. (Cynthia in Vermont would agree I am sure.)  The Joy to You & Me Web Site has come a long ways let me tell you - and I am quite proud of it and of myself for all the work I have put into it.

What I can see now is that my response to my car breaking down last month (Newsletter 10-25-98 below) broke me through to a whole new dimension of existence.  I have for years had a bumper sticker on my car that says Happy Joyous and Free - and I have had increasing tastes of what that means over the years - but now I am Truly living in a space where that is my reality most of the time.  I am Free to be Happy and Joyous in the moment most of the time because I am also free to be angry or sad or scared or hurt in the moment.  I am Free because I have let go of the “What ifs” and “If onlys” which are just my disease wanting me to feel deprived and victimized.  I am Free because I know in my heart and in my gut that I am Unconditionally Loved and I don’t have to earn it.  I am Free because I know the future is not in my control - and I know that I am doing all of the seed planting and footwork that the Universe is prompting me to do.  I am Free to relax and enjoy life because the Spirit is guiding me.

Years ago I ran across a saying that I really liked and wanted to set as a goal - “Serenity is not Freedom from the Storm - Serenity is Peace Amidst the Storm.”  I always thought that I had to stop the storm.  Now I can be serene and peaceful no matter what the storm brings - life events like car breakdowns, other peoples behavior which is just them dancing with their own wounds, apparent financial insecurity, that I am still doing some unhealthy behavior health wise, whatever - I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to have money, I don’t have to be in a relationship, to be happy.  I am Truly Free in this moment and in most of the moments of my life for the last few weeks - this too will pass into something different at some point, but I know that once I have attained a new level, I will return to it often.  There is still going to be pain and fear and anger and hurt sometimes (a part of me just got real scared because the last time I felt something close to this good for a long period of time I got into a relationship - which was wonderful and very, very painful and a incredible gift package full of opportunities for growth - I guess if I can face burning at the stake and Heidi that I must be ready to deal with the old fear of intimacy issues again.)  Oh well, the adventure continues and keeps getting different.  I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!

I guess it is pretty weird to be processing here on my computer and then sending it out for the world to read - but that is what I do.  The Truth is so powerful and wonderful and by doing the process work we get to start being allies with the Spirit where Love lives instead of with the disease where fear rules.  Fuck the fear I say - full speed ahead in the direction of Love.

I am doing the service at a Metaphysical New Thought church tomorrow and my topic is going to be Happy Joyous and Free.  The minister there is a friend who sponsored the talk that became my book some years ago - and she is going to the East Coast for Thanksgiving.  She comes up with some real gems sometimes and at a service several weeks ago said “That to say giving is more Blessed than receiving is like saying exhaling is more Blessed than inhaling.” 

I have done a great deal of work over the years of my recovery on learning how to receive.  I spent a couple of years just practicing saying “Thank You.” - without making a joke or minimizing or deflecting the compliment back to the other person.  I carried so much shame about my being, thought I was so flawed, so unworthy and unlovable that if anyone could see the real me they would run away screaming in horror.  You can’t get to where I am now from where I was then - not without help.  Not without a Loving Higher Power in my life to guide me in my healing.  Not without interacting with other people working on their recovery/healing/Spiritual path.  Not without me being Willing and Open to do what it takes to get Honest with myself - especially and most vitally emotionally honest.  Here is a quote from my page on Twelve Step Recovery about the ancient Spiritual Principles underlining the Twelve Step program.

The second comes after we have intellectually learned what boundaries and healthy behavior are but we cannot stop acting out the old patterns in our closest relationships - we watch ourselves saying things we don't want to say, and doing things we don't want to do. 

This is when it is necessary to do the emotional healing.

Step 1. I acknowledge and accept that I am powerless out of ego-self to control my human life experience, and that the delusion that I should be in control has caused pain and suffering in my life.

Step 2. Came to remember that I am a Spiritual Being who is part of the ONENESS that is the Unconditionally Loving, ALL-Powerful Universal Force, and that believing in that Force can help to bring balance, harmony, and sanity to my life.

Step 3. Made a decision to ask the Force to help me align my will, my actions, and my life with the Universal Power.

Step 1. Admitted that I am powerless to substantially change the learned behavioral defenses and dysfunctional attitudes from childhood until I deal with the emotional wounds of my childhood experience.

Step 2. Came to remember that I am a Spiritual Being who is part of the ONENESS that is the Unconditionally Loving, ALL-Powerful Universal Force, and that believing in that Force can help to bring balance, harmony, and sanity to my life.

Step 3. Made a decision to ask the Force to help me face the terror of healing my emotional wounds.

Made a decision to ask . . . .  The third step is about asking for help - about reaching out.  What I know now is that the Universe responds when we reach out.  What was so hard for me was learning to ask for help from people who might reject me.  What I know now is that it doesn’t matter if the person who I ask can help me or not - what matters is that I reach out.  When I take a risk, make myself vulnerable by admitting that I can’t do it alone - I am aligning with the Universal Laws of Cause and Effect - inhale and exhale.  I just need to put it out there and then let go of when or how the help comes (“In a second”) - by giving I receive, by asking I get the answers - in a perfect way at a perfect time (and in the meantime it often feels like fertilizer.)

So, I am going to take this opportunity to put out to the Universe that I really really want (I talk about wants and needs in the Thanksgiving article) to get my next two books published in 1999.  However the Universe wants to manifest the financial means to do that is fine with me - God’s will be done.  I would Love to get an investor or investors who would put up the money as I did for the first book. (Investment Opportunity Page)  I would be open to winning the lottery (I never buy more than one ticket - that is all the Universe requires of me)  I can even suspend all rational belief enough to visualize winning the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes (Well, thank you Ed McMahon.)

In the meantime if any of you out there can support the cause by buying some books that would be great.  I am even open to gifts or tithes if the Spirit so moves you.  (My mailing address is on the bottom of most every page.) 

I just thought of something else - Amazon.com allows visitors to any book page to submit a review of that book to be placed on the page.  Every time I go there my inner children are a little disappointed that no one has written one for my book yet.  So that is another way you can support the cause - if you so choose.  Just think of all the good Karma associated with spreading the message.

whoooo,  I was going to keep this Newsletter short - probably the longest one yet.  Oh well, I sure covered a lot of ground.  I hope that you out there in cyberspace find some value in these ramblings of mine - although it doesn’t really matter, since I am just doing what I need to do for me and am powerless over whether anyone hears me.  On my new Q & A page I have a quote from my book about the difference between care-taking and care-giving.  And I am so Happy Joyous and Free at this moment of my journey that I just want to give what I have to everyone - this Web Site is my way of tithing.

Another thought just occurred - this too shall pass, meaning this time of processing in cyberspace - one of these days I am going to get so Free I won’t be spending most of my time on my computer.  More Will Be Revealed!