The Codependence Recovery Process
Mental, Emotional, Spiritual
In order to change our relationships with self and
life we need to focus on the mental and emotional levels while consciously
working to integrate Spiritual Truth into our personal inner process.
Mental Attitudes and Definitions (conscious and unconscious) create
Perspective and Expectations
"We learned about life as children
and it is necessary to change the way we intellectually view life in order
to stop being the victim of the old tapes. By looking at, becoming conscious
of, our attitudes, definitions, and perspectives, we can start discerning
what works for us and what does not work. We can then start making choices
about whether our intellectual view of life is serving us - or if it is
setting us up to be victims because we are expecting life to be something
which it is not."
(Quotations in maroon are from
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
"Perspective is a key to Recovery. I had to change
and enlarge my perspectives of myself and my own emotions, of other people,
of God and of this life business. Our perspective of life dictates our
relationship with life. We have a dysfunctional relationship with life
because we were taught to have a dysfunctional perspective of this life
business, dysfunctional definitions of who we are and why we are here.
It is kind of like the old joke about three blind
men describing an elephant by touch. Each one of them is telling his own
Truth, they just have a lousy perspective. Codependence is all about having
a lousy relationship with life, with being human, because we have a lousy
perspective on life as a human."
"The more we enlarge our perspective, the closer
we get to the cause instead of just dealing with the symptoms. For example,
the more we look at the dysfunction in our relationship with ourselves
as human beings the more we can understand the dysfunction in our romantic
As was stated earlier, our perspective of life dictates
our relationship with life. This is true for all types of relationships.
Our perspective of God dictates our relationship with God. Our perspective
of what a man or a woman is, dictates our relationship with ourselves as
men or women, and with other men and women. Our perspective of our emotions
dictates our relationship with our own emotional process.
Changing our perspectives is absolutely vital to
the growth process."
"We need to be willing to let go of, surrender, our
ego's definitions, belief systems, expectations, in order to change our
perspective of life. Then we can make the choice to align our beliefs with
the concept of an unconditionally Loving God-Force."
"The Truth is that the intellectual value systems,
the attitudes, that we use in deciding what's right and wrong were not
ours in the first place. We accepted on a subconscious and emotional level
the values that were imposed on us as children. Even if we throw out those
attitudes and beliefs intellectually as adults, they still dictate our
emotional reactions. Even if, especially if, we live our lives rebelling
against them. By going to either extreme accepting them without question
or rejecting them without consideration we are giving power away.
In order to stop giving our power away, to stop reacting
out of our inner children, to stop setting ourselves up to be victims,
so that we can start learning to trust and Love ourselves, we need to begin
to practice discernment. Discernment is having the eyes to see, and the
ears to hear - and the ability to feel the emotional energy that is Truth."
"We need to change our perspective and learn to practice
discernment so that we can change our relationship with life and with ourselves.
We need to be pro-active in our own process so that we can stop being the
victims of the old tapes and start owning the power to co-create our lives
in a healthy, Loving way."
"Recovery involves bringing to consciousness those
beliefs and attitudes in our subconscious that are causing our dysfunctional
reactions so that we can reprogram our ego defenses to allow us to live
a healthy, fulfilling life instead of just surviving. So that we can own
our power to make choices for ourselves about our beliefs and values instead
of unconsciously reacting to the old tapes. Recovery is consciousness raising.
It is en-light-en-ment - bringing the dysfunctional attitudes and beliefs
out of the darkness of our subconscious into the Light of consciousness."
"On an emotional level the dance of Recovery is owning
and honoring the emotional wounds so that we can release the grief energy
- the pain, rage, terror, and shame that is driving us.
That shame is toxic and is not ours - it never was!
We did nothing to be ashamed of we were just little kids. Just as our parents
were little kids when they were wounded and shamed, and their parents before
them, etc., etc. This is shame about being human that has been passed down
from generation to generation.
There is no blame here, there are no bad guys, only
wounded souls and broken hearts and scrambled minds."
"Codependence is dysfunctional because it is emotionally
dishonest. As long as we are reacting out of childhood wounds and old tapes
we are not capable of being in the moment in an emotionally honest, age-appropriate
way. It is necessary to be healing the childhood wounds and have an emotionally
honest relationship with ourselves internally in order to respond to life
honestly in the moment."
"When the role model of what a man is does not allow
a man to cry or express fear, when the role model for what a woman is does
not allow a woman to be angry or aggressive, that is emotional dishonesty.
When the standards of a society deny the full range of the emotional spectrum
and label certain emotions as negative - that is not only emotionally dishonest,
it creates emotional disease. If a culture is based on emotional dishonesty,
with role models that are not honest emotionally, then that culture is
also emotionally dysfunctional - because the people of that society are
set up to be emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional in getting their emotional
needs met. What we traditionally have called normal parenting in this society
is abusive - because it is emotionally dishonest."
"We live in emotionally dishonest and Spiritually
hostile societies. Trying to get sane in an insane world is crazy-making!"
"We are set up to be emotionally dysfunctional by
our role models, both parental and societal. We are taught to repress and
distort our emotional process. We are trained to be emotionally dishonest
when we are children."
"Attempting to suppress emotions is dysfunctional;
it does not work. Emotions are energy: E-motion = energy in motion. It
is supposed to be in motion, it was meant to flow. Emotions have a purpose,
a very good reason to be even those emotions that feel uncomfortable. Fear
is a warning, anger is for protection, tears are for cleansing and releasing.
These are not negative emotional responses! We were taught to react negatively
to them. It is our reaction that is dysfunctional and negative, not the
Emotional honesty is absolutely vital to the health
of the being. Denying, distorting, and blocking our emotions in reaction
to false beliefs and dishonest attitudes causes emotional and mental disease.
This emotional and mental disease causes physical, biological imbalance
which produces physical disease.
Codependence is a deadly and fatal disease because
of emotional dishonesty and suppression. It breaks our hearts, scrambles
our minds, and eventually kills our physical body vehicles because of the
Spiritual dis-ease, because of our wounded souls.
The key to healing our wounded souls is to get clear
and honest in our emotional process. Until we can get clear and honest
with our human emotional responses - until we change the twisted, distorted,
negative perspectives and reactions to our human emotions that are a result
of having been born into, and grown up in, a dysfunctional, emotionally
repressive, Spiritually hostile environment - we cannot get clearly in
touch with the level of emotional energy that is Truth. We cannot get clearly
in touch with and reconnected to our Spiritual Self."
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Copyright by Robert Burney PO Box 977 Cambria,
Quotations in maroon are from
The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney (Copyright 1995). Quotations
from columns & articles (Copyright 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000) written
by Mr. Burney are noted and in blue text. Blue text material that is not
in quotes is from Robert's upcoming book Wounded Souls Dancing in the
Light (Copyright 1999) unless otherwise noted.
There are several authors quoted in excerpts from The Dance of Wounded
Souls, those are noted with copyright acknowledgment at the end of the