Music, Maestro

aomi adjusts her sun visor to better shade her forehead, leaning up against the banana booth as she chats with its proprietor, Zachary Clay—a balding man in his early fifties she knows from The Gay and Lesbian Resource Center. Zach has been a fixture at the Farmers' Market for years, hawking a wide variety of bananas for one of the local growers. But, about a year ago, a pretty young blonde woman opened up a rival banana stand just a few stalls away, cutting severely into Zach's business. In an attempt to win back customers, Zach is playing a beat up old ukulele and singing to the crowd in his ringing baritone: "Oh, yes, we do have bananas, We do have bananas to-day ... " No one is paying him much attention, and after a minute or two, he quits and sets the ukulele down, turning to Naomi, who is nibbling distractedly on a piece of the yellow fruit. "Well, I can't say that business doesn't suck today," he says, peeling a fat pineapple banana for himself. "But at least I'm not going hungry." Naomi sighs, staring distractedly off into space. "Yeah, Zach, I know what you mean ... But I don't think you should worry about going to Hungary. I mean, it's not really a police state anymore, is it?" Zach chuckles at her non-sequitur. "Earth calling Naomi, Earth to Naomi. Come in, please." "Huh? Oh, sorry, Zach. I guess I wasn't listening. This whole thing is really getting to me." Zach nods and takes a bite of his banana. "So where to now?" "Hell if I know," she replies. "I mean, I'm fresh out of ideas at this point." Zach shakes his head. "You know, I really don't get it. Out of all the men you know, there's got to be someone who's up for being a dad, especially if doesn't have to support the kid. Why not talk to some of the guys down at the Center?" "Ahh, I've already tried that," Naomi grumbles, tossing her banana peel into the trash bin. "Everyone of 'em's got some lame cop-out 'It's too big a commitment, Naomi.' ... 'There's too many people in the world as it is, Naomi.' .... 'I hate fucking kids, Naomi!' Christ, Zach I never dreamed it would be this hard to get pregnant. I mean, Phyllis Boyer's never had a lick of trouble getting knocked up." Zach laughs. "Oh, yeah, I've met her. Santa Barbara's official Fertility Goddess, right?" "Yeah, right." Naomi says, peeling another banana and taking a bite. "All a guy's gotta do (much, munch) is look at Phyllis cockeyed and, bang ... she's nailed again. Meanwhile (munch, munch) I have to go around begging for handouts. It's just not fair, damn it!" A customer walks up and Zach begins to pitch her on the pineapple bananas, which are on special this week. The woman makes a small purchase and hands Zach a fistful of change, which he sorts and drops into the cash drawer. "So, how about it, Zach?" Naomi asks, after the customer has gone. "How about what?" Zach says, counting the day's meager receipts. "C'mon, man! (munch, munch) Do you have to make this so hard? Gimmie a break here." Zach closes the cash drawer. "Naomi, what the hell are on about?" She swallows and says it as clearly as she can. "How about you helping me out? Zach, I promise you'll never even have to see the kid if you don't want to." Zach stares at her, astonished. "What, me? Naomi, I ... I swear, I'd love to. But I thought you knew about my condition. I can't possibly do it." Naomi stares in bewilderment for a moment, then her heart falls into her stomach. "Oh, Zach ... I'm so sorry. I had no idea. What can I do?" He quickly realizes she's misunderstood. "Oh, no, honey. I'm healthy as a mule. 'Mr. Safe Sex.' That's me." Naomi breathes a sigh of relief, then explodes at him. "So what's the problem, bucko?" she demands, poking her banana at him like a gun. "Afraid I'll ruin your reputation as a queer?" "C'mon, Naomi, shit like that's never bothered me.The problem is that I'm shooting blanks. I had a vasectomy back in '84." Naomi is astonished. "A vasectomy! Why the hell would you have a vasectomy?" "It's simple. I was married for twelve years before I finally figured out I was gay. Julie and I already had two kids and we didn't want any more, so ..." Naomi slams her hand down on the counter so hard that a large plantain bounces a foot into the air and falls to the ground. "I can't believe this. I find one gay man willing to help me ... and he's had a fucking vasectomy! Goddess, I can't stand it!" Zach laughs, savoring the irony. "I guess old Sigmund put it best," he says, picking up the plantain and handing it to her. "Sometimes a banana is just a banana." Grumbling, she stuffs the plantain into her shopping bag. "Yeah, well what I need right now is a gun with some live ammo in it ... No offense intended, Zach." "None taken. But, look, Naomi. This can't be as hard as you think it is. There's one very obvious option you may not have considered." She looks at him with narrowed eyes. "Such as?" Zach grabs the bar rag and begins to wipe the counter down. "Well, I've always believed that if you want something badly enough and it seems out of reach, you should probably look a little closer to home." "Oh, great. And what am I supposed to do with that? Don the ruby slippers and click my heels together a few times?" Zach puts the rag down the bar rag down. "Think about it, girl. The answer is right under your damned nose. Do I have to spoon feed it to you?" Naomi gapes at him blankly for a moment, then ... "Zach, you can't be serious!" "Hey, why not? You guys have been friends forever. And you certainly love each other. I can't see why you'd even want to have a kid with someone you don't know." "Well, yeah. But, Harry? I mean ... it's just so off-the-wall." "Oh, really? You mean more off-the-wall than having that Bloom character's kid?" "Nooo ... I guess not." Naomi chews her thumbnail, letting the ramifications roll around her mind for a while. "But what would I do with Rush? There's like no way she'd ever go for something like that. In fact, there's no way Harry would ever go for it either. Sorry, Zach. It's an interesting thought, but it's just way too goofy to work." Zach looks at her and grins. "Is it?" A smile blooms on Naomi's face. "On the other hand, it's so completely absurd that it has a kind of demented poetry to it." Zach picks up his ukulele. "Well, then, here's to demented poetry ... " Not only does Naomi join him in his song, she even does a nifty little jig. "Oh, yes, we do have bananas, We do have bananas to-day ... "